Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Christmas: 'Tis The Season To Piss Me Off

Wow. Where do I start? How about with a little math lesson:

On your typical day that's NOT a holiday, there are three other people in my house:

Samantha: My sister, who insists on having my parents pay attention to her. Come on, kid, you're almost 3. Shouldn't you be in college by now?

And then there's mom and dad.

Again, three people for all you geniuses out there.

Guess how many people I want paying attention to me at all times...

One person: Mommy.

So on a typical day, I have a 1 in 3 chance the right person is paying me full attention. If I'm getting any full attention at all.

OK, but let's face it, Samantha can't give me what I need. So let's just talk about adults.

1 in 2 people. 50% odds.

But I'm a glass-half-empty kind of guy, so as far as I'm concerned, everyday I wake up LIFE IS AGAINST ME.

Then Christmas comes around and guess how many adults there are. How about this: I can't count that high.

Let's just say we've got grandparents and aunts and uncles. What's that? Let's call it 10. Everyone's talking about "let's count to ten this, how many fingers that" anyways, so it sounds right.

So that's a 1 in 10 chance that the right adult is paying full attention to me. That's 10% folks. TEN PERCENT. Yeah, those are GREAT odds. How about I just bash my head against the driveway ten times? Oh wait, that's right, I already did.

And if that's not bad enough, when Mommy is "paying attention to me," she's usually not even doing it right. Hey, Mom, you don't think I hear that you're talking with Daddy? You don't think I can see that you're looking at Samantha?

So you know what? To hell with 10%, 'cos that's a pipe-dream!

The fact is: On Christmas, I have nearly a 0% chance of getting what I want.

Hey Santa, you want my wishlist? OK, here it is:

Stay the hell home, fat man - last thing I need is another adult making the odds worse.

Just thinking about this makes me want to throw myself backwards and shriek in an effort to get Mommy to run over to me and pay attention to me for 24 hours straight. Not that she'll actually do that.

Ah what the hell... It's worth a shot.

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